elydesia: " DOGS " (badou nails ; listless)
[personal profile] elydesia
dear, stranger;

Glad you picked up this letter!
Lately, I've had the dire need to get out--to stretch my mind and see the edges of the universe. Desires to live life, to do more, suddenly well up within me, and I don't know what to do with the emotional overload.

As a stranger, I'm able to vent to you without holding back; we'll never see or speak with each other.

Have you ever had the need to just get away? From everything in your life, from the people around you, the thoughts floating about your head? I felt like that a little while ago, so I shut myself up and opened myself to strangers. I observed them, I watched them live a life I don't know anything about. During those times I observed, the only thing that existed was the now.

Even at this moment, though I've recovered somewhat, there still exists something in myself hoping I will run away from everything. This is not "fight or flight," this is something completely different. It is a big ball that rolls around my chest, toppling me over, making me loose balance in life, giving me anxiety and bringing instability to myself. It is big and it is ugly. This is something I can not get rid of--this thing that exists purely for my selfdenial, selfdestruction.

Where is freedom found? In the moment just before action is taken, it is that very spark in your brain that tells you to do something. What you do is ultimately up to you, and the same goes for everyone else in the universe.

The other day, I knocked over the blue kettle my gran gave me and spilled water all over my bedroom carpet. It was knocked over because I had slept next to it, with it resting right beside me through the night. It gave some perspective into the idea that every single event that happens is unique. Why? Because I had slept beside that kettle many times in the past, so I figured it would be all right again, this time. I was proven wrong.

Over the years, I've actually written multiple letters and left them about in public spaces--parks, bus stops, on the bus, in store shelves. These series of letters have been a constant outlet of built up feelings when there was no one else to tell. I feel like these letters have, in a way, become a salvation in some of my most delicate times of need.

thank you,
elydesia: " DOGS " (badou nails ; listless)
[personal profile] elydesia
dear, reader;

This time around, I'm supposed to write about my dreams. But I don't think I have many dreams; or rather, I have so many that none stand out.

I guess, when it comes to long term goals, I don't have much. I'm relatively easy to please, even if I desire so much more.

Not much to say besides this: I want to share my stories with the world.

elydesia: (eating ; stuffed ; food)
[personal profile] elydesia
dear, siblings;

I remember when all three of you were so little, so tiny. Well, JJ was a plump little baby, but he was still small compared to the size of him now!

Though I was still a child at the time, I remember watching the three of you grow. I grew up, as well. The four of us have matured as the years went by, now already passing ten years! When we were younger, I remember being excited to see how you guys'd develop. To see how you'd all grow.

Seeing you guys learn in leaps and bounds instills a strange sense of pride in me, and when someone wrongs you a vengeance becomes apparent. I want to protect, to play with, and to teach. To show you guys new things that none of you have ever seen before. But certain things are difficult to teach.

How do I teach you to be strong? How do I teach you to shrug off wrongs done to you and keep moving forward? To reach for what you want, to fight for what you believe in but also to keep an open mind to others' beliefs? To not settle for things "good", but go for great. To not accept gifts unless you deserve them, don't let people lure you into complacency where things become "good enough."

These things can not be taught. They are experienced, they are learned. But, not taught. Showing you through example will never be good enough; I'd need to plan a thousand different things for a perfect situation were to come so I could show you. To know your minds are still yet young and fresh, is perhaps the best thing. To know your minds are open to learning, to new things, is even better than best.

Discover, be the curious kids you are. Because that really is what you guys are. Kids. As much as you want to grow up, stay young for now. You learn so much better, easier, faster than when you get older. Your minds right now are sponges absorbing the water of life: knowledge. The more you know now, the more you'll know later. The smarter the three of you will become. Better minds, better people, better decisions made.

Think! Don't forget to think! Why did someone say this, do that, behaving that way? Do they have something buried in their past causing them to be like this? Are they shy, nervous, angry? They don't want to tell you? That's fine, give them time. Never rush people to open up to you; everyone has their own pace and if you are aware/cautious of it, you've become a more friendly person. A better person.

This includes thinking for yourself, and never be afraid to be wrong or make mistakes. Strive to do your best, do what you love to do. And when a mistake sits on your doorstep, make it disappear and assure that the same mistake doesn't happen twice.

Don't be afraid of being yourselves. Don't follow the crowd, don't be sheep. When fear rears its ugly head, you stare it down until it surrenders. Don't run away. FEAR is nothing to run away from. "Forget Everything And Run": don't succumb to fear. Ever. Think, know what you want, and plot the best reasonable way to get there; from point A to point B. You guys'll be fine.

This letter turned into more of a manifesto for you guys, but I hope the message I've been trying to say comes across.

hugs and kisses,
elydesia: (eating ; stuffed ; food)
[personal profile] elydesia
dear, parents;

I have a different short message for both of you.

dad: I won't ever forgive what you've done. I can't. It's not in me to forgive your actions. As well as we get along, our happy times will never overshadow the bad times, in the long run. Our arguments have no closure, our inside jokes are always remembered. We get along really great, I think. But for the sake of my childhood, I will never forget the abusive you.

mum: As a child, you were a symbol of comfort and acceptance. I remember crying your name when I was upset, and then dad would push the phone into my arms with you on the other end. You would say, "Toria? Toria, what's wrong?" And I would just cry. I can forgive your absence in my childhood. That is easy to forgive, as now I know all the circumstances surrounding it. The fact no one knew about dad's abuse, is my own fault.

Something I can't forgive either of you for, is how childish and irresponsible the both of you can be. Mum is moderate to highly functioning despite her errs, but dad is not functioning well enough. I don't believe he ever did as I was growing up. I humorously say, "Mama and Yeye raised me," and this is the closest to the truth.

I was not raised by either of you. I was raised by my family, excluding the both of you. To me, you both are more like friends I can't get rid of than parents. Whenever I was asked, "Who are the parental figures in your life?" I can't give an honest answer, because I really don't know. I don't even think I have any.

And I wanted both of you to know these things.

wishing you both well,
elydesia: " vocaloid " (happy kaito)
[personal profile] elydesia
dear, crush;

hi. I'll try to keep this letter short.

Thank you for being there for me.
You've become someone I can trust and confide in, someone who cheers me up from my gloom. You pick up on the little things and remember all these stupid things I tell you. You're smarter than you give yourself credit for.

However, you're also a self defeatist. And that pisses me off. You don't go out and grab what you want. You think too much of others, a quality both charming and irritating. Giving up too easily when it comes to yourself, and then being stubborn either for what pride you have or just because you're a stubborn ass.

You are a positive influence on me, whether you've realized it or not. You've helped me a great deal, and I'm very thankful. Very humorous, and quite charming. You should have more self confidence! I would say "believe in people more" except that isn't the issue. You have to pick who you call a friend wisely if you don't want to get hurt or disappointed.

I just wish I could help you the same way you've helped me.

best regards,


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