Nov. 25th, 2014 23:51
elydesia: " DOGS " (badou nails ; listless)
[personal profile] elydesia
all I do is wallow in my own filth.
this existence that is nothing but an imaginary pile of made up atoms, fake ideals and distorted views, clogged feelings that just won't go down the drain. rotting and moulding at the bottom of the tub into meaningless grudges, desires, and regrets. reeking flesh of both verbal and physical arguments, inflamed thoughts yet unsaid words.

I sit in a dark corner and see through rose colored glasses to make myself feel better about the shit I'm surrounded by. there are no saviors in this world but I pretend that pile of sludge by my left foot is the divine soul come to rescue me.

a fish out of water, gasping for oxygen and wiggling with a fatal desperateness, in a world opposed to one's own. a mass of land-walkers, air-breathers; no one can understand this single-minded fish, and the fish can not understand the wordly. it can only wear a costume of legs, chop off its gills, and pine for the same luxuries.

there is a good job of faking it, a splendid performance. but every once in a while I'm brought back to my senses as another large pile of shit has fallen on me and I suffocate, unable to breathe until I once again dig myself out and find the costume that is my fake self to put back on.

nothing is left for me. this world is not for me. I can not dig through concrete with my own two hands, to even attempt at finding a place for myself. I'll never make it out of this place alive, so I will die.

--- inner narrative from "JACK"

author's note
I had some triggers this evening and so I worked with Jack's childhood, dealing with his amnesia and inability to be with others due to an invisible social wall.
thought writing this would be better than cutting myself so here we go.
good night.

ps - no, I'm not going into detail about Jack's life, and neither will I write about him before he was introduced in STRIPE. All you need to know should be mentioned in the story, and the rest is for the readers to imagine.
elydesia: " pokemon " (chu !)
[personal profile] elydesia
(originally written two years ago)
wordcount: 774

Everything around me seemed to melt away, like rain on a watercolor painting, all the colors slowly running down the drain. Objects, once so clear as to what they were, suddenly became blurs of color as they cascaded downward like there was no floor. My hand gripped the suitcase tighter to make sure it wasn’t melting, and neither was I. Uncle sure made great improvements on the machine during the past week, I thought it was amazing. He was so capable, and at that moment I wondered what else he could do. With me.

When the old world dropped around me from the sky’s blank face, with its familiar and comforting arms I’ve been yearning for the past week, I half expected everyone to be there when I arrived. But when I opened the door to only Uncle and Nicholas’ meager and somewhat unkempt faces I suddenly became enraged. Why wasn’t Edgar here? Did he really find someone new in only the week we’ve been apart? But, I was no better. I’d known him for only three weeks.

"Where’s Edgar?" I asked but I could barely hear my own words, I wondered if they could. I repeated myself, louder, but Uncle shrugged, Nicholas looked unsettled. The question was directed more to Uncle, but Nicholas answered:

"He’s in his room." His words were sad, like he was ashamed. Why would Nicholas be ashamed? Why would Edgar be in his room? Edgar should be here to welcome me back. He heard about my coming back and living here, right? "He’s been depressed this past week. Hardly goes to class; hasn’t eaten much for three days, already; doesn’t talk more than he needs to. It’s as if he’s gone deaf to the world. Alone with his textbooks."

All of a sudden a whole swath of emotions fell into me. I was worried if he was all right, angry he wasn’t there. I was frustrated with his, what seemed like, lack of a driving will. As if he didn’t care about anything anymore and it pissed me off.

Before either of the men in front of me could stop me I dropped my suitcase and ran. My feet, fueled by anger and disappointment, flew me to the third floor and stopped right in front of Edgar’s room. I took a few seconds of breath to calm myself before I opened the door and barged in.

He was sitting on the edge of his bed. He was reading a book and looked incredibly depressed. What had happened to him? What could have possibly made him into this mess? Even the floor was filthy with clothes and books and stationary. I was only gone for a week and this is what happened? Or was his room always like this?

He looked up from his book to my face. It didn’t feel like he was actually looking at me. His eyes had huge bags under them and the room’s lighting was poor.

I took long, angry strides to him as he dropped his book onto the hardwood floor and stood. I looked up at him with an angry face, our bodies only a foot apart. His face was unshaven and his hair was a mess, a shaggy and wild greasy blonde.

The corner of his mouth twitched, like he was about to say something. I panicked and covered his mouth with my hand. I don’t want him to say anything. I don’t want anything to be said. Words just turn to stone.

I look into his eyes and he stares into mine. I want to know why he’s been like this, why he’s been so depressed and lone-looking. I stare into his eyes almost desperately, looking for the answers in them, hoping he could hear my silent but humble questions. It’s so strange, so out of character for him.

My hand slowly moved away from his mouth and to his jawline, under his ears. My movements were tiny and gentle as if I were petting a newborn kitten. My mind paid no attention to my heart until now, when I found it beating madly for this distraught and lonesome man. What was going on? What do I want? After a week of missing this man, wanting to hold me so carefully in his arms, do I finally know what I want?

I slowly lean up to his face, closer toward his lips. A flicker of understanding went through his eyes and like a spark to a fire he quickly came to life. His face didn’t show it but his eyes did and he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me.


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